down your street your crying is a well-known sound
Thursday, October 14, 2004 at 11:35AM A couple of people have inquired as to why I’m no longer providing commentary or coverage of the debates. The reason behind this is simple: I stopped watching them. Why? I already know for whom I am voting and at this point, the debates will really only serve to piss me off. That, and, I’d much rather watch America’s Next Top Model (Out, out, damn Kristi!) and read Cosmo.
Speaking of Cosmo. Exactly how stupid do these people think we are? Confidential to Cosmo: Those “submissions” and “responses” from readers and a mystical “panel of men?” We’re on to you. We totally know you make half of that shit up and edit the rest to suit your evil, sephora-peddling ways, not to mention the rampant re-phrasing that goes into your little sex articles. I don’t GET it. On the one hand, Cosmo throws out sexual advice and technique freely while at the same time seeks to sanitize the language in this weird, neutered way that gives my skin the crawlies. The November issue has an article called “How Guys Like Sex” (p 85) that is, well, not really an article, I guess, but more like a laundry list of so-called male responses that are all strange and clinical and so not the way any guy in the world talks like uh ‘When my girlfriend gives me oral attention,” or “Woman on top gives me a close-up view of my manhood moving in and out.” Manhood? His MANHOOD? If a real guy I were, you know, doing, were to call his penis his “MANHOOD,” I would punch him in it. Seriously. Then I’d laugh. Yeah. My penis-euphemism tally for this article runs as follows: “member” (2), “shaft” (3), “manhood!” (2), and “joystick” (1). Oh, and let’s not forget referring to a woman’s genitalia as “her most private place.” Clearly, this is a sham because NO ONE talks like that. Okay correction: no one *I know* talks like that.
My favorite quote from the entire magazine is from the flip-side Cosmo Male article “Be a Pro With His Privates:” (But first, let me say this: Privates?) “After we ejaculate, our man-units can be almost painfully sensitive.” Allow my voice to become very shrill as I say “MAN-UNITS?!” Why would they say that, why why why? The next few quotes in this section aren’t bad: “Getting hit in the balls hurts so bad…my sack will ache.” Okay, balls and sack? Totally believable. I can work with that. And then starts the string of indefensible phrases like “organ,” “little lieutenant,” “fella,” “package,” “ding-dong,” “my boy,” and “my brave little soldier.” What? NO! STOP! This is gross and wrong. There are a select few terms that work and are acceptable and they are as follows: cock, dick, junk…and that’s all I can think of besides good, old-fashioned “penis.” That’s four, then, and really, do ya need more, do you, Cosmo?
Reader Comments (13)
What about "dick"?
Also, it's too bad you are missing the debates, Ahe, because last night the main focus was "appropriate euphemisms for male genetalia". And then they each told their "most embarassing moment" stories. I'm really on the fence at this point.
In terms of the 4 sacred names, I always thought they worked in a paired fashion, you know penis\vagina, dick\pussy, cock\cunt, and, I guess, junk\box, tho as mentioned above junk seems uni or multisexual. So, therefore, I think Jordans position on cock is a fine one considering its' partner in vulgarity.
That's a really good point, Jonas...they do kind of go together in terms of vulgarity. I don't mind "cock" myself, but "cunt..." man, it took strength to even type that out. It's just so harsh and awful. Ahe, who is thatguy you know who called a waitress one one time?
Long ass entymological work, no idea the validity of same, looks ok tho.
It's a good thing she didn't hear him, tho I suppose that word sounds the same even if you are talking w. a lisp from an agro Seattle waitress busting all your teeff out yo fool head.
While "man-units" was clearly the most offensive part of this quote, I would have called attention to the fact that this so-called "male" said "ejaculate." I have never heard anyone say "ejaculate" in a non-health class setting.
ZAP!
Unless you are in England or a member of the band Oasis.
I think "twat" is being overlooked here as well.