how do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

An open letter to the Controls Group on my floor:

I hate you all.  You are bastards.  I admit that this is partially (okay, nigh-completely) due to my insane, head-shattering jealousy, but it is, at least, rooted in principle.  If I may list my grievances in no particular order:

• I had to talk my boss into being less stringent with the dress code which requires women to wear hosiery, even in the summer.  For you Controls ladies, it is apparently business appropriate to wear spaghetti strap Ella Moss dresses in the office.
• Most of you get in at 9, leave at 4, take 2 hour lunches and take Monday or Friday off.  That’s a 20 hour week, so technically, you are part-time employees and your salary and heath benefits (for which you are not eligible) should reflect that.
• Once every two weeks, you all break early for your Team Building meeting, and by “Team Building meeting,” I mean “Happy Hour on the roof at Tia Lou’s.”  Which, of course, is expensed out because it’s a business event. 
• Your last “Team Building” Off-Site, which was scheduled at our Convention Center and for which you were all paid, actually ended up being an all day bikini party with drinking games at one of your lakeside homes.
• Stop complaining that you don’t get three months of paid pregnancy leave.  Not to sound like a Republican, but if you want to continue earning your wages, don’t have babies or get a rich husband to support you while you’re preggers.  And don’t expect your job to be here when you get bored playing house.
• All of the male managers in this group should be investigated and subsequently fired for their questionable hiring practices.  Plunging necklines are valid job qualifications for whores, not Finance Analysts.
• Speaking of whores: Stop having affairs with your co-workers, you fucking homewreckers.  Everyone knows, including the janitor, and one day, someone is going to send an anonymous letter to your husbands or wives.
• Speaking of whores, part 2: You ladies do not “just have weird eating habits.”  You are ANOREXIC.  If you continue to subsist on a small bowl of edamame and green tea, you are going to fall apart from the inside.
• You’re not fooling anyone with that “Oh, look at me typing, I am so busy routine.”  That privacy screen doesn’t filter out anything and everyone totally sees that you’re shopping online.
• Something else everybody knows: Your “community service events,” the ones for which you take the afternoon off once a month, benefit the “Let’s Get The Controls Group Drunk” fund. 
• Something else everybody knows, part 2: you whiten your teeth, you fake bake and those highlights are totally not real. 
• Scarves look stupid tied around your waist as a belt.
• You work less than I do and yet, inexplicably, you earn 1.5 times more. 

In conclusion, you guys suck.  Balls.  And when I finally get the ear of Tom Casey, I am going to have you all fired. However, if you need me in your group, I am totally down with lakeside bikini parties and drinking games.

Comments

[jordan]

ha-ha! you are bitter, like vinegar! but i would be hella pissed too. that's just bullshit. there can be like ONE person in the group who is a lazy fuck, there shouldn't be an entire group of lazy fucks.

[Annie]

lies...no one wore a dress like that? is that possible? who was it?

[Avi]

oh my god, are you going to be mad about this forever? It was the whole bikini party thing that pushed you over the edge,wasn't it?

[rira]

do we really work at the same company? you have to wear hosiery? en serio? dude, that bites. ooh, i love the ella moss dresses, but would never wear it to work. at nordstrom it would fly. you can wear minis, stilletos & halters! oh, ps can you forward that group my resume.

[Ahe]

you and me both, sister. sadly, we are not whorey enough. also, not enough cleavage.

and jaa. when i started here a couple of years ago, we were required to wear stockings. no bare legs at al. i debated my way out of that BS.