wesley, i am totally drunk-faced

I’d like to tell you a little story I call, “This Movie Sucks My Balls,” about a picture called Open Water, which is, let me now note, based on a TRUE STORY.  Bum bum bum.  I’m going to ruin the end for you, but I don’t really care, much like I don’t care about ruining the end of Pay It Forward (The fucking kid fucking dies!  Everything gets all happy and then some kid stabs Haley Joel and he dies in the last 5 minutes of the movie.  Kid gets shanked and dies. Dies. Fuckers.): so, both the husband and wife who are lost at sea with their scuba gear DIE.  Oh, and are never found.  A shark bites the husband’s ass off, he dies, the wife uses his body as a floatation device and then decides to drown herself right when the rescue boats are sent out.  They die.  Their bodies are never found. Now that that is out of the way, let’s get back to the part about this being a TRUE STORY.  Yeah. These are the true parts that I can identify: they went out on the scuba trip;  they are never found.  So.  That accounts for 3 minutes of the movie.  TRUE STORY my ass. 

A note on the above:  I was talking this over with Dr. Danskin and she said she read some article (and Heather, feel free to jump in here at any time with more information) that about the REAL FOR SERIOUS TRUE STORY behind the movie—something about how their gear was found, but their bodies weren’t and the day after the disappeared, two extra people were counted on another scuba adventure boat and yadda yadda, basically, this fantastic unsolved mystery that may have involved suicide or faked deaths, which come on, people, I think we can admit would have made a much better movie.  Hmm.  Somebody get on top of that, because I’d totally see that movie.  So long as it is not touted as a TRUE STORY.

Comments

[Jonas]

So...wait...are you saying you have balls? Or is that not the true story part you were refering to? That would certainly ruin some things for me, but I don't know that a SCUBA movie would be one of them.

[Avi]

Well, Jonas, she does, in fact, have balls. A fact to which I can attest. Also, they are HUGE.

[Jonas]

Perhaps you meant: /clerks "About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!" ?

[Annie]

ahe, I can't beLIEVE you ruined the end of Pay It Forward for me. That was so in my netflix queue.

[Jadenator]

That doesn't ruin the end of Pay It Forward for me. I totally want to see Haley Joel get his! Bwah ha ha! That kid has been asking the shiv since Forrest Gump. Mop-top riff raff!

[Ahe]

oh, SNAP. wicked burn, jade.

[Heather]

OK, I can't for the life of me find the article I was telling you about, which made it sound even more dramatic, but here's an alternative.

[Heather]

oops - HERE'S the alternative:
http://www.cdnn.info/article/open_water/open_water.html

[Ahe]

aw, it doesn't have the part about how the other boat picked up two extra people! that was the best part!

[Heather]

I know! I'm so sad I can't find it. The bit about a different boat the next day having 2 extra people speaking English amongst their all-non-English speaking passengers was awesome! Not that it's true, but it would so make an awesome movie.

[Kelly]

Yo! Early this week I watched a 'primetime special" maybe 20/20 or something called "Vanished" about this VERY incident! The American couple disappeared off their boat in the Great Barrier Reefon a clear sunny day, another boat had 2 extras, their equiptment was found undamaged, the husbands diary was found that said he done everything he wanted to in life and was "ready to die," they found a scuba note that said they were stranded in the ocean and would die if not rescued, but most Aussie's dont' think they're dead. CRAZY! But a VERY good 20/20.

[Ahe]

oh! that's the same thing heather was talking about--woudln't that make the BEST MOVIE EVER? especially if they faked their own deaths and became pirates.

[kelly]

yeah...ummm, the real scandal is so much more interesting than dying at sea.

[Annie]

i think so.