you're in the schoolyard anything goes--that means groin-kicks, eye gouges, spit in his eye, i don't care!

So, let’s talk about disappointment: another birthday come and gone and nary a sign of David Boreanaz. Here is a place of disaffection, indeed. I know I talk a good game about The JPad, but you all must know I’m on Team Boreanaz—TO THE BONE!

I was almost placated after the No-Boreanaz-Birthday when some lovely soul hooked me up with Superman pajamas, which wins at goddamn life. They, of course, came with a short lecture on how Batman is way awesomer than Superman, which is kind of true and yet also kind of beyond the point since however cool Batman may be, Superman could still kick the everloving crap out of that emo whiner any day of the week. Sure, Batman may be crafty, but he can’t shoot holes through your chest with eye-jaculated laser beams, can he? Superman would wrap Batman around a lamppost and LEAVE HIM THERE. The only way Batman wins in this fight is if he has a kryptonite hammer, and I think we can all agree that that’s just cheating. *I* would beat Superman with a kryptonite hammer. And let’s not forget that in the event Batman *does* have a kryptonite hammer, he’s still a filthy pedophile who cultivates his billionaire playboy image to camouflage his penchant for surrounding himself with adolescent boys in daisy dukes.

Okay, so obligatory Supernatural junk: after watching the ripe-with-meta episode Hollywood Babylon, I’ve come to the conclusion that the character of Dean Winchester is loosely based on me. That’s right. Dean is a fanboygeek extraordinaire. About Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn. Which I own. It’s high noon at the end of the universe, son! I mean, I’ve never seen that movie, I swear. And if I have, which I haven’t, I certainly never watched it in 3-D Because that would make me Chieftess Loser of Loservania. Although, I guess that would make Dean my Chief, so that might not be so bad.

Further evidence that the Supernatural writers shamelessly appropriated my personality: Dean also, for no reason, when their lives are in peril, quotes Die Hard and does a passable Bruce Willis impression, facial expression and all. First of all, Die Hard: Best Movie Ever. Dean would TOTALLY have gotten my Nakatomi Tower joke. Second, while I’m not exactly a master of mimicry, I think you all know that I’m going to be quoting movies on my friggin deathbed. (It’s true. I’ve actually pondered my last words, assuming that when I kick it, I’ll be in a position to consciously choose them and I’m evenly split between “For a moment there, I thought we were in trouble,” “I wish I could have seen Montana,” and “Death is but a door, time is but a window: I’ll be back.”) Even more damning, when Sam claims ignorance of the Poltergeist haunting rumors, Dean turns to him and says seriously, “You know nothing of your cultural heritage.” I HAVE SAID THAT EXACT PHRASE. Except I was talking about You Can’t Do That on Television.

Sam, of course, wasn’t exactly amused by Dean’s fanboy antics which led to frame after frame of wonderful befuddlement and irritation which never ceases to amuse me. Jonas and I were discussing the Sam/Dan humor dynamic and decided that it greatly resembles its Sci-Fi/Horror predecessor pairing, Mulder & Scully. Scully/Sam plays the straight woman/man to Mulder/Dean and the majority of the laughs we get from Scully/Sam are at the expense of Mulder/Dean’s happy idiocy. JPad and Gillian Anderson both have about 76 different expressions which convey “OMFG. DUMBASS.” Which leads me to a point of annoyance—one of my daily internet stops are the TWoP forums where rampaging hordes of DeanGirls and Acklytes constantly harp on how everyone, as the moderator/recapper puts it, is MEAN TO DEAN, especially Sam. I think Sam Winchester put it best when he jammed his hands in his pockets, rolled his eyes and said “WHATever.” As expected, after this episode aired, posters jumped on the boards to assert their position that Sam is so MEAN TO DEAN and he shouldn’t get irritated when his brother totally ignores him while being a fake PA, nor should he be slightly grossed out by his brother’s atrocious eating habits. Oh, yeah, and after Sam had to put a bullet in the head of the first chick(dog) he’s slept with since a demon turned his fiancée into a flaming ceiling kabob like TWO days ago, Sam should TOTALLY have been happy and smiling when Dean put it to some wall-eyed B-movie actress in her trailer. Right.

Aside from the fact that his reactions conveyed little more than mild annoyance and the over-sensitive DeanLovers who think otherwise need to stop their bitching, Sam’s the little brother! Younger siblings sniping at their older brothers and sisters is like a god-given right! As far as I’m concerned a little bit of ribbing is belated justice for years of wedgies, wet willies, spitty-slurpy and having GODDAMN CHAIRS PULLED OUT FROM UNDERNEATH US, KELA.  Dean’s a grown man, I think he can take the occasional snark from his geek brother and if he can’t, then he’s a total pussy and he needs to butch the fuck up.

Seriously.

While I enjoyed Hollywood Babylon, it left me with a little bit of Meh—it was remarkably out of place, tone-wise. I laughed, sure, but at the back of every Oh, Dean chuckle, part of me was thinking how out of place a random funny episode was in the end of the season arc. I mean, really? Last episode, Sammy breaks down and cries ugly because he has to kill his dog-girl/metaphor for his potential for evil and this week…uh, Dean stuffs his face and cracks inside jokes about Hollywood. I’m not complaining, it just threw me off a little.

Oh, and by the by, I want to stay away from real spoilers because I heard the finale is going to be UNBELIEVABLE. Which, of course, means someone dies or is on the brink of death. Which means it must be Sam because there’s just no suspense with Dean on that one, is there?  What I’m saying here is no spoilers, okay? Spoil me and I will kill you in the face, no joke. (Just on Supernatural, though, feel free to spill the Heroes spoilers left and bloody right.)

Comments

[Cassie]

Batman is such a pedophile! You know I tried google image searching for pics of Robin but when I looked up Dick Grayson I got porn. F'reals.

[Annie]

“Death is but a door, time is but a window: I’ll be back.”

Ghostbusters II has my vote!

[Baxter]

You know, you're right. They did get pretty lighthearted all of a sudden but it had been so long between episodes that I forgot all about it. On DVD release, that leap from tragedy to comedy is going to seem very odd. In fact, in this day and age when DVD and VOD is replacing serial television, I can hardly stand to wait a week between episodes, much less several months (LOOKING AT YOU, BSG), anymore.

[Baxter]

PS: I don't know what my last words should be but I do know that I want someone in a Gandalf costume to say:

"No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path. One that we all must take. The gray rain curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it...White shores. And beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise."

[ahe]

Well, Jessica, if I outlive you, I will totally recite that. In my Gandalf costume. That's what frieds are for, nay?


And you're right about the SPN thing--if I didn't have TiVo, the tone shift wouldn't have been as jarring, but I do and I re-watched Road Kill and Heart right before. I suck. At first, I thought that they were showing the episode out of order and it should have come earlier in the season, but Dean referenced the dog-faced girl.

[John]

Hey! I got your Nakatomi Tower joke.

[Baxter]

Awesome! I am putting that stipulation in my will. Between that and referring to my DVD collection as "assets", it may be the nerdiest will ever.

[christopher]

your subject line is crackin me up.

[Amy]

Jesus, what is that first picture of Sam all about? It looks like <PORN>.

[ahe]

I wish.

[ahe]

Oh, and the pic is from Playthings, after he jumps in the pool to grab the little girl.

[Amy]

Hmm, where is all the Sam porn anyway?

[ahe]

Uh, don't even look, Amy. I think all you're gonna find is Sam/Dean and as fun as it is to joke about the Wincest, it's still grody.

[jorge]

"Dean is a fanboygeek extraordinaire. About Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn. Which I own. It’s high noon at the end of the universe, son! I mean, I’ve never seen that movie, I swear."

am i the first to say this? NERD ALERT!

[jordan]

<i>Dean’s a grown man, I think he can take the occasional snark from his geek brother and if he can’t, then he’s a total pussy and he needs to butch the fuck up.</i>

dude, no mercy! i love it.

[Kere]

You asked for it, didn't you, going into the forums, even to the one on a snarky website like TWoP? The forums are nests of pubescent evil!! You can't go in there without being tainted by it.

Hmmm... I never thought about my deathbed, but I have a secret wish to dress up in public as a stormtrooper before I die. Preferably while I'm still young and can run away at speed in case anyone tries to beat me up.

I agree about Hollywood Babylon being out of place. I don't really wanna laugh at Dean pulling faces. At this satge, I want lots of manly angst.

Oh and err... happy belated birthday.

[ahe]

I KNOW! If you go to the JPad page on the TWoP forums right now, they're chatting about their favorite body parts and how they want to lick his moles...and most of these people are in their 30s, hand to god. Although, the character threads are really the den of evil there--that's where people gather to over-analyze character development and spew psychological interpretations of how Dean has an inferiority complex. HELLO, this show is on The CW, calm the fuck down.

Kere, if you ever go about dressed as a Stormtrooper, take pictures, plsthx.

[jordan]

those people are straight up scary. and i quote: "I would so kill to be able to run my hands over his arms and shoulders... and good lord I'd like to nibble my way up the inside of those thighs too!!!!"

TMI, lady, TMI!

[Annie]

Ooookay, those ladies are a little creepy. I cannot *wait* for the Dean Show tonight. Prison! I bet Dean trades Sam for a carton of cigarettes.

[ahe]

Schyeah right, Annie. Have you even seen Dean? I'm betting a pretty mouth like that fetches a way higher price than the Ginormatron's puppy dog eyes.

I am looking forward to the prison jumpsuits, though. And fingers crossed for a shirtless gladiator-style fight in the weight room.